Proposal for Mercy/Biennial podcast – “parasites” with Vanessa Bartlett.
Directions – If possible please do not allow the speaker to read the text prior to the recording. Please record in one take without correcting errors.
Hesitation Exercise No 1.
This is a method or example for the sufferer of hesitancy. Basically the sufferer finds it very difficult to write words down. to commit to them. The only way in which a sufferer can force themselves to do it, is to write everything in one go without reading it through. My apologies for any spelling mistakes.
Obviously I am in a permanent state of hesitation. This is possibly what I have. You know the type of hesitation where a person is unable to complete or find the right words. Basically it is an inability to move forward or to see beyond the present moment. This is interesting on occasion when the sentance returns to a permanent state of hesitation. A conversation can probably continue on indefinitely, so it is better to at first determine that a person suffers from hesitation. A person suffering from hesitation will possibly create conversations that consist of parasitic words and actions. An example of this would be the word ‘like’ or ‘possibly’. An action might be to waffle or prevaricate. In extreme cases a sufferer might never be able to conclude a thought, living in a permanent state of hesitancy. You see it will on occasion prove difficult for the individual to identify that they suffer from hesitation through their inability to create certainties. This allows them to assuage the fear of failure except for the failure of being able to complete actions and sentences. The parasitic words become tics of everyday speech and behavior. Progress is glacial. These behavioral issues are of course also reflected in an arrested state of physical development and so forth. I will admit that I cheated at this point. I began to think of something else and re-read the first section. The bit about finding it difficult to write these words down. The rest will not be interrupted and if it is, I will continue to interrupt myself and create a note of my hesitations. This is not a live performance, but I guess should be seen as a form of method or exercise that might be used as an example or practice for the sufferer. Possibly this might help in some way to reflect naturally on your own condition. A condition prevalent in modern society. Though the interruptions crowd in, sounds from outside for example, the hard drive inexplicably kicking, an itch, a car passing, all things that disrupt the flow of me finding the point of the words that spin and tumble round down into the sinkhole of the full stop. It is always better to document them. It is a form of exorcism for the hesitant. I rub my hand, a mistake is made and erased, (my apologies again for this) an itch near my arm and a man arrhythmically hammers some wood. Another car passes and I am only able to comment on all the distractions. I have only these brief gaps to describe, remember and let know. This is not unusual. The exercise has become stressful. This may or may not pass. You may search wildly on the internet for the symptoms of dementia that appear to fold in on you. Alternatively perhaps you may have had a stroke? Another knock and now the noise from the hard drive is constant. Is it corrupt I wonder? A large familiar sigh and my body absently forces me to stretch my leg and click my thumb. Obviously what is important. car. hammer. is the process of the exercise to overcome these examples of interruption and hesitation, the parasitic words. rumble of thunder? are as I said an example. blank thought. car door slams. who is home? Is it the neighbor? As I said. pause. this stream of consciousness exercise, which is not necessarily an ideal model of stream of consciousness, is the. hard drive noise dies and car passes. Is the ideal model. pause. cinematic effect of rubbing the face, stretches the eyelids back and displaces a contact lens. I notice a ringing in my ear . Tinnitus. A motorbike passes at the same time. Scratch of stubble. Scratch of stubble. Obviously the exercise cannot work. I have stopped and reviewed the writing above and could not bear to correct it. Literally hundreds of alternative words and thoughts have spread out like weeds from the original writing which I cannot bore you with here. The exercise is possibly corrupted. Phone message buzzes. You will want to erase the work and begin it again. I also really want to read the message. You should try and complete the exercise. the work. but I have stopped and read the message. At this point you should abandon the exercise and return to it the following day. I have corrected the spelling.